guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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