whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
