wake up i wanna do it froggy style
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Sober January is a disaster.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
