I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
