Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
