I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
