somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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