It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
