I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
