Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
