Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
