I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
