Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Randomize
