nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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