I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Randomize
