i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
