i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
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