my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Randomize
