Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
