I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
