how can u be prego again
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
