The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
