you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
