im about as happy as oj after his trial
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
