I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
