Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
