So drunk its hurt
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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