I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I AM VODKA MAN
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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