Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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