i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I stole a fireplace last night.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
