Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
