Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
