The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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