Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
