is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
