no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
