we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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