I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
It's rum buckets o'clock
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
