i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Randomize
