dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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