who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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