I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize