I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I love having hate sex.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
