i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
