well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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