I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
