Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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