I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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