he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
