mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
